Remembering Samuel

Sweet Samuel, I can hardly believe three years have passed since I held you in my arms. The memories of the painful days surrounding your birth are still so vivid, but I want to write out each one for fear of forgetting any moment of your short time with us.

I remember before my ultrasound thinking I might be pregnant with twins since I was showing so much. I remember it was a Wednesday. I remember going to the ultrasound and watching you squirm and wiggle even too much to find out what gender you were. I remember falling even more in love with you as I watched you there.


I remember the concern on the ultrasound technician's face. I remember your daddy by my side reassuring me. I remember the doctor's face and tone when he told us I had to be admitted to the hospital and be seen by a specialist. I remember praying with your daddy that everything would be ok.

I remember the second ultrasound at the hospital with the specialist and he told us you were a boy! He also told us you seemed perfectly healthy, but there was something wrong. I remember having such a hard time knowing that you were perfect, but that you probably wouldn't make it. I remember I kept growing. I remember the nurses coming in and marking the top of my uterus as it grew and I remember the marking being at 38 cm. I remember thinking that would be a full-term marking.

I remember playing cards with your daddy and your uncle Justin and aunt April. I remember being loopy from all the medicine and saying some strange things. I remember not being able to walk very well and feeling like I was going to pop. I remember talking to the doctors and deciding if I didn't have a c-section we would both die. I remember asking the doctor what kind of chances you had for living at 20 weeks and I remember him saying, "one in a million." I remember crying. I remember a pain that I had never felt before. I remember picking out your name, Samuel, with daddy because as Hannah dedicated Samuel to the Lord before he was ever born, we were dedicating you to the Lord. No matter the outcome, we recognized that you were the Lord's.

I remember your Nanny and Bumpa coming down. I remember wondering how I was ever going to sleep knowing that tomorrow was the day... I remember feeling little butterfly movements as I lay there and cherishing every one. I remember your Nanny singing hymns with me as I drifted to sleep.


I remember that morning. I remember it was a Saturday. I remember Dr. Bob praying before the c-section began. I remember your daddy by my side and telling me he thought James would be a good middle name. I remember when they delivered you, watching the pediatric staff standing there with a tray in hopes of you being that one in a million and I remember clinging to that hope with your daddy. I remember the doctor shaking his head no meaning you weren't going to make it.

I remember feeling your heartbeat. I remember your beautiful face. I remember kissing your little forehead and lips. I remember wishing I could look into your eyes. I remember how your arms were just like your daddy's. I remember you were so small and yet so long.


I remember when your heartbeat stopped and realizing you had just stepped foot into heaven.



I remember your Mema and Papa coming to visit you. I remember telling your Mema that you would have been her first grandson and she told me you always will be. I remember hugging her knowing she understood. I remember being comforted that you have a aunt in heaven with you, sweet Beverly.

I remember the little blue hat they put on you and the white knit blanket they wrapped you in.



I remember wishing I could still feel you moving inside me. I remember it not feeling real, that somehow it was all a dream. I remember them telling us to say our goodbyes before they took your body away. I remember saying goodbye, but knew it wasn't goodbye forever.

I remember Iowa State playing OU and Adrian Peterson breaking his collar bone. I remember how my arms ached to hold you. I remembered how empty I felt.

I remember the supernatural peace I had knowing your were with Jesus. I remember longing to be there with you.

I remember at the grave sight a few days later. I remember being surrounded by family and feeling very loved. I remember the message was about David and how when he lost his son after he had been sick a while, he had a peace because he knew he would again go to him someday in heaven. I remember being comforted by this passage knowing I too would see you again. I remember singing "Great is They Faithfulness" and clinging to the thought that our God is faithful and would bring us though.

I miss you my little Samuel and can't wait to see you in heaven. Happy 3rd birthday! I wish I could be with you to celebrate, but I know you have the best company and I can't wait to join you one day soon. I love and miss you my sweet boy.

Love,

Mommy

P.S. Daddy and Bubby send you kisses and hugs and want me to let you know that they love you and miss you lots!