Spring!

We have had a beautiful spring! We were able to go camping the beginning of this month with the homeschool group I'm a part of. This has started to become a twice a year thing and the kids love it! It's so fun when the kids start to remember things you do as a family. The anticipation builds as they look forward to whatever it is, camping in this case. It is so wonderful to get away from all the busyness and noise and enjoy God's beautiful creation. 

 Landon's favorite thing was helping build and tend to this fire. He's really growing up and it's so fun to see him mature and grow.

 These two just bummed around. James loves to have his "bear-bear" wherever he goes. It's so fun to see how he treats him like his baby. Tonight I was reading to him a look and find Thomas the train book and he was grabbing "bear bear's" hand and having him find the items with a squeaky voice (talking for bear bear). He's at such a fun stage, he loves puzzles, Thomas and our marble works set. 

Olivia buddied up with sweet Samuel. They had a great time playing together and I found them holding hands quite a few times :)

 I just liked this picture of our "cool" boy :)

 We've been trying to spend a lot of time outside. The homeschool philosophy that I've adopted is the Charlotte Mason method. A part of her philosophy is spending a lot of time outdoors, taking time to notice God's creation. We do nature study which at this point involves drawing pictures of whatever they find that is interesting and writing a few words about it. The last few days have been so much fun - lots of caterpillars, slugs, worms, birds, and watching our garden grow. I didn't realize how much fun our small backyard could be...

 It's these four that make it so much fun. I love to see the world through their eyes. I love to see their excitement over the many things I take for granted. It makes me slow down and watch that caterpillar and be amazed at the Lord's handiwork. 

 We've had a lot of rain over the last few weeks. Last week I decided to take them to the park and let them splash around in the puddles. They had a blast!

Olivia with her little "Sheila" dog. "Bumpa" (my dad) gave her this puppy when she was 18 months and she loves her. I just loved this picture because I don't know how much longer this phase will last, but I am thoroughly enjoying it right now. She says the funniest things as she is trying to figure out the world around her. 

We had a great Mother's Day together as a family. I am so thankful for our sweet mothers that the Lord has blessed us with. I know it is such a rare thing to have amazing moms like we do. They have both been such an example of selflessness, always putting others first. Their love for the Lord is evident from their lives. I am so blessed and thankful for them.

I always like to go out to the cemetery on Mother's Day. It's the closest I can be to having my five kiddos together. I remember my first Mother's Day. My arms were empty. I didn't feel like a mother, even though my heart was so full of love for my sweet firstborn. I longed to hold him and love on him. I remember singing, "Jesus Loves Me" at church and the phrase, "Let the little child come in" catching me totally off guard. I couldn't sing that phrase, it was too hard. A beautiful reminder that my little Samuel was able to go into Heaven's gates to meet his Savior. I felt so torn, so happy for him and yet aching to be with him.

Anyway, I still ache for him. For my little 8 year old. But I am so thankful. My arms are full, I never would have imagined to be where I am at today with these sweet four children that I have with me today. I know all too well, they are not mine and tomorrow is not guaranteed, so we treasure the time we have and look forward to eternity with our Savior. All things will be perfect there with our perfect Savior and our perfect home and our sweet Samuel. Cannot wait.

May Happenings

I had a wonderful Mother's Day. Seth and I are so thankful to have two amazing mother's. We are so blessed to have such a wonderful example of love and self-sacrifice. So thankful that they taught us about the Lord Jesus and lived out a genuine relationship with Him for us to see.

. 

2 Timothy 1:5 "I am reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also."

For my Mother's Day, we had a nice picnic at the park. After some fun on the swings and slides, we headed for Cherry Berry - I love that place! Then, we took a trip out to the cemetery to visit Samuel. I really wish I could have all my kids together, so, for now, this is the closest thing. It was sweet that the kids picked out the smiley face balloons :)

Olivia was heaping dirt and grass on James... He didn't seem to mind!

Here we are watching the balloons fly away.

James is now eight months old! This month: He got his first tooth! He is also getting around really well. He loves to tip the trash can over, pulls up on everything, and said, "dada" and "ball." He is sleeping really well - 10-12 hours most nights! He's such a happy baby and loves to smile and wave at everyone he sees. He started clapping when we sing to him - he just loves music. He really likes to sit on my lap while I play the piano, it melts my heart. He brings us so much joy!

Here are the other two that bring me so much joy :) We're so excited that it's warm enough for slash pads! They are both growing up so much. Olivia's still really into anything princess and pink. She loves to wear dresses and always carries a purse. She also still loves her "bear bear." She's been treating her bear like her baby. Cheering her bear on when she stands up, trying to feed her bananas, and buckling her in next to herself. James loves his bear too and immediately snuggles and chews on it when I lay him down.

Landon is so much fun. He loves to create art projects that he imagines. I love seeing what he comes up with! We've been trying to spend a little more one-on-one time with each of the kids, he really likes to go on dates with me :) such sweet memories. He loves to dress up like super heroes and always talks about being just like daddy when he grows up.

I'm so thankful for this family the Lord has so graciously blessed me with!

James is 6 months

James is now six months old. This month he has changed sooo much! I can't leave the room if he's on the floor because he rolls around and shimmies his way to where he wants to go. He is such a sweet boy, smiling all the time and very tolerant for his surroundings (being squeezed, kissed, patted almost continually by his brother and sister). He is just so laid back, I'm not sure if it's by nature or by necessity... I think both because in the hospital he was already so calm, we didn't understand how it was possible he was ours!

Here he has on his, "Samuel's baby brother" onesie that my friend, Brooke, made for Landon, I love that he can wear it too. I wish our little Samuel was here to love on him. I wish James could know his biggest brother. Although I know that the Lord has a plan and even though my heart aches to have our entire family together, I'm reminded that this world is not our home. One day, all things will be made new and the longing of our hearts will be fulfilled, to be with our Savior forever and leave all heartache behind. I can't wait to meet our little Samuel one day. 

Here is James's reaction to his first taste of food (avocado). He didn't look like he liked it based on his facial expressions, but he kept eating it. He really likes bananas and the other day, his cousin Layla (6) fed him an entire jar and the start of a second of banana-strawberry-apple baby food. Landon and Olivia never really liked baby food, but with James anytime we're eating, he gets mad if I don't feed him something. Just as I thought I was starting to figure out this three kid thing, it's changing (who am I kidding, I haven't figured anything out!). He's eating real food and the mobile stage is pretty much here - he's only going to get better at crawling and getting into things. The house is already a disaster most of the time. How am I going to keep this boy away from Landon's legos and small paper crafts, and Olivia's little pink trinkets she takes to every room she's in??

I'm praying for protection for this sweet boy and strength for me. I'm thankful that in our weaknesses, the Lord is proved strong. I'm continually asking the Lord to remind me to keep my eyes fixed on Him and the purpose He has for me, which is not to have a perfectly clean house all the time. His purpose for me is to raise these children in His ways and to model a close relationship with Him. To snuggle them and show them I love them, and that they are more important than a clean house. Not to neglect my house and training these kiddos to help take care of it, but to realize the MOST important things and not get caught up in the temporary. I'm realizing more and more how fleeting the moments are with these sweet ones and I truly want to enjoy them even through the difficult times.

Life is crazy right now (hence the lack of posts)... But it is wonderful and I feel so blessed to have the job of raising these sweet kiddos.

James' 1st Bear

We have a tradition, that each of our kids get a bear from Samuel on their first Christmas. Since this will be James' first Christmas, I took the kids to Build-A-Bear to pick one out for him. They chose this white bear, which I'm sure won't stay white, but that's beside the point. It was better than the red, white, and blue star one that Landon was considering :)

Giving the heart a kiss...

Putting the heart in. They actually let us put three in, one from Samuel, Landon, and Olivia

Stuffing the bear, they loved this part! Olivia was just in awe of everything at this store.

Giving the bear, which the kids named "Snowball" a bath

They picked out a Thunder outfit for Snowball, which I had a hard time buying, but since I had a good coupon and a gift card and the fact that this is probably James' only Christmas gift and it's from Samuel, I went ahead and bought it :)

 I think James will be excited about his special bear. Olivia takes her first Christmas bear which she calls, "bear bear" everywhere and Landon snuggles with his at night. It's hard to find ways to include Samuel during these special times, but I'm thankful for this little way that the kids have something from their big brother.

Samuel's 6th Birthday

We had a nice weekend remembering our sweet Samuel. Landon and I made cupcakes on Saturday. Landon picked out confetti cake mix and frosting with sprinkles. He loved helping make these and "helping" me by licking the beater clean :)

My sweet friend gave me a gift at church that morning and Landon asked if we could open it. I told him we would wait until we went to visit Samuel. Then, Landon said, "Are we going to heaven??" I said, "No, we're just going to where Samuel's body is buried." These things are so hard for a four year old to understand. It was heartbreaking to see how excited he was to meet his brother. One day...

When we opened the present, this is what we found... Little figurines of our whole family! It is so sweet to see what our family really looks like. From the left: Olivia wearing a tutu (she was thrilled with this!), Samuel holding 6 balloons, Daddy, Mommy wearing my Samuel necklace, Landon because blue's his favorite color, and James because the James on Thomas is red ;) Landon and Olivia kept insisting that James lay down since he can't walk yet :)

Then, we went to Steak N' Shake, our family tradition.  It was a sweet time.

After supper, we came home and sang happy birthday to Samuel and had cupcakes.

There's a helium shortage, so we weren't able to let balloons off on Samuel's birthday, but we did the next day. It was so windy....

 ...and I'm sad to say that the balloons got stuck in our neighbor's tree. This really upset me at first and I couldn't pin point why. I guess I just wanted everything to go perfectly for his birthday. When I thought about this later, I realized that life doesn't go perfectly with our other kiddos, and he is just as much our kid as they are, it's not practical to expect things to be perfect and that's ok.

The pregnancy loss support group I help out with had a balloon release the night after his birthday as well, so I got to send a balloon up then too.

We miss our sweet firstborn so much and celebrate his being in heaven the only way we know how. Can't wait to join him one day on those streets of gold, but until that day, His mercies are new every morning - great is His faithfulness.

Six Years

It's hard to believe that Samuel would be six tomorrow... I was laying here trying to picture what he would be like, how our family dynamic would be different if he were here. Would he have a strong personality like Landon, or would he have been more calm and have been taught Landon how to share and be kind? How would Landon, Olivia, and James be different if he were here? Would he have been into sports or legos? What it all boils down to is, I just want to know him. As his mother, I want to know everything about him. And yet, it is all just blank. I try to picture him as a six year old... I so want to know if he would have had brown hair and brown eyes like his daddy or would he have had blue eyes like his siblings and I? So many things... but it is all blank.

I realize he wasn't meant to be six here on earth. The Lord knew when he would be born, and knew he would leave this earth just one minute later. The Lord fashioned him and perfectly formed his beautiful face, each finger and toe. It is not blank to Him. He had a purpose for our little guy. Our little Samuel was created to worship the Lord.

I cannot help but cry every time I read the story of Hannah in the Bible. How she wanted a child, so much that if the Lord granted her request, she was willing to give him back to the Lord. It's one thing to say that you would give your child to the Lord and another thing to do it. Hannah did not go back on her word, but as hard as it was, she made the journey to the temple and gave her Samuel to serve the Lord. "'I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.' And he worshiped the Lord there." (1 Samuel 1:27,28)

I remember the Lord reminding me of Hannah as I lay in the hospital bed the night before my c-section. I knew that our baby boy belonged to the Lord and whatever happened he was not mine, he was the Lord's. I remember wrestling in prayer with the Lord, begging Him to let our boy live. I remember my loving Lord giving me peace that He was in control and I committed our sweet Samuel to Him.

How tiny, how precious our boy's delicate body. It was so precious to feel his heartbeat, and yet heart wrenching since no breath ever came. Still the Lord was in control.

I was thankful for a sweet friend who shared this poem from a blog recently. The challenge that went with it was to change our prayers for our children. Not to pray for safety and protection, but that our children would have a passion for the Lord. Period. No matter what path gets them there. I would not have chosen this path, but I am thankful for how the Lord has used our sweet Samuel's life in so many ways and that right at this very minute he is with our Lord and worshiping Him there.

Had I been Joseph's mother 
I'd have prayed 
protection from his brothers 
"God, keep him safe. 
He is so young, 
so different from 
the others." 
Mercifully, 
she never knew 
there would be slavery 
and prison, too. 

Had I been Moses' mother 
I'd have wept to keep my little son: 
praying she might forget 
the babe drawn from the water 
of the Nile. 
Had I not kept 
him for her 
nursing him the while, 
was he not mine? 
--and she 
but Pharaoh's daughter? 

Had I been Daniel's mother 
I should have pled 
"Give victory! 
--this Babylonian horde 
godless and cruel-- 
Don't let him be a captive 
--better dead, 
Almighty Lord!" 

Had I been Mary, 
Oh, had I been she, 
I would have cried 
as never a mother cried, 
"Anything, O God, 
Anything 
--but 
crucified." 

With such prayers importunate 
my finite wisdom would assail 
Infinite Wisdom 
God, how fortunate 
Infinite Wisdom 
should prevail.

Christmas Recap

We had a great christmas with both families. This was the first year we stayed in Tulsa since we've been married. Seth's aunt Donna is staying with Seth's parents right now. Unfortunately, Donna and Seth's mom were both sick on Christmas Eve, so we stopped in for a short visit, but let them rest up. We had a great Christmas Eve with Justin and April and the kids. We made chocolate dipped marshmallows with the kids. Then the kids watched "Elf" and the adults played Spades. We hadn't played cards in so long, it was so much fun to play and laugh.


Christmas morning was so much fun. We had to wake the kids up since it was Sunday and we wanted to open presents before going to church. Landon was so excited to open his stocking and presents. It was so much fun to see his joy :) Olivia had fun opening the presents, but didn't really get what was going on. Her favorite presents were her Tea Pot, dolly, musical book and bear. Landon's favorite gifts were his stand up sand box, shark car toy, lego Thomas and all the little legos :) I got a coupon from Build-A-Bear for a free bear and Seth and I decided to go as a family to pick out a bear "from Samuel" for the kids. I think this is going to be our new Christmas tradition. Landon named the bear, "Cucumber" :)


We had cinnamon rolls and just overall had a nice morning together. After church, we went over to Seth's parents since they were feeling a little better. We watched the Thunder game and had a yummy dinner together. It was very relaxing and just nice to be together.

The next weekend, all of Seth's family came into town. We had so much fun laughing and spending time together. Seth's parents went crazy for Christmas, and I got a guitar! I'm super excited about learning to play. The kids love to come and help me strum while I learn. We had some nice big boxes from all the loot so the kids decorated them and had a great time playing house in them.






We also celebrated Camryn's 8th birthday with a pinata and a cake that she decorated with melted chocolate and Andes mint chips. It was such a sweet time.


This last weekend, we made it up to Iowa for our last celebrations. We traveled through the night getting in at 4am on Friday. This worked out really well with the kids. Landon slept from 9pm-8am and Olivia was up for a couple hours on the trip and woke up again when we got there, but overall did great. On Saturday we had almost the entire family together, minus two husbands. We ordered pizza and just had a nice day together. We watched some old home movies which had us all laughing and some blushing :) We had such a wonderful childhood, it was so fun to look back and remember.


I loved holding my precious two month old niece. She was really smiling and almost laughing, it was hard to leave her!


Sad to see things come to an end, but sweet memories were made. It's a new year now and I'm excited to see what the Lord has for us this 2012.

Samuel's 5th Birthday

We "celebrated" Samuel's birthday today, the fifth time we've done so without him. Even though it is so hard to not have him here, and the memories of those few days are still as vivid as the days themselves were... the Lord is so good through it all.

On Wednesday, my sweet friend, Anne, brought us a cake for Samuel's birthday. It was such a thoughtful gift that meant so much to us all... That cake was amazing by the way! I'm sure Samuel would have loved it with all the Oreo goodness crumbled over everything, I know we all did :)

Today, was a bitter-sweet day. The day, five years ago, when we held our sweet son while his little life slipped away. I never would have thought that there would be any "sweet" in this day, but there was...

Over lunch we sang happy birthday to Samuel and opened the present we had got "for Samuel." Landon really wanted to get him a James train. There are two reasons for this, because James is the #5 train and Samuel is turning 5; and Samuel's middle name is James. So, we picked one up the other day at Landon's favorite toy store and had it wrapped for today. It was bitter-sweet watching Landon open it and see his excitement over "Samuel's" toy.


My other dear friend, Brooke, offered to watch the kids for a little while today. One thing I had really been wanting to do was to write a song for Samuel. Our piano is not in working order, so I knew this probably wouldn't be possible. So, when Brooke offered, I took her up on it, and I went to our church to play. Music is therapy for me and it was so healing to play the piano that I have rarely played over the last couple of years. The Lord had been laying a few verses on my heart from 1 Thes. 4 and 5 and He gave me words from those verses to help me write a song. I never would have imagined to do this in the couple hours that I had, but the Lord loves to give us good gifts and that's what this was, directly from Him. He is so good. I love Him.

After this, I picked up the kids and Brooke gave me a package. I opened it later to find an incredible gift that I can't express how much meant to our family. She had written a children's book called, "Samuel Takes a Trip." It is about Samuel going to heaven from his perspective and it even has a page at the end explaining the gospel for anyone that wants to go to heaven, to be where Samuel is. Words just can't express how much this meant to us...


We picked up 6 balloons (5 to release and 1 for Landon) and then headed to the cemetery. We found five more balloons waiting there :) what a sweet surprise. Landon was happy to help release both sets. We brought the book and James. It was a bitter-sweet time. Remembering the cold day that we laid our sweet son to rest here five years ago, how could it be five years ago? Today wasn't cold though, it was perfect and the sun was setting, coloring the sky with all sorts of beautiful colors. We visited Samuel's aunt Beverly's resting place as well and wondered what they were both doing in heaven right now...


We left the cemetery and went to Steak N' Shake, our tradition that officially started last year :) It was really nice apart from Olivia being at a very difficult stage as far as not wanting to stay in one place. I saw a little boy who looked about 5 in the booth right across from us. He had brown hair and brown eyes and looked very similar to how I've always pictured Samuel. Another bitter-sweet moment.

That was that, another October 14th that has come and gone. To most, just an ordinary day, but to us it will never be just any day.