1 month old

Our sweet James is already 1 month old. Right now he is 9lb 8oz and 22.1 inches long. It's hard to believe that he is pretty much the size that Landon was when he was first born! He's starting to outgrow his newborn clothes, which is sad, but he is smiling more! It's so fun to start to see his little personality shining through. He's sleeping pretty well at night, usually only waking up once to eat and goes right back to sleep. I just need to start going to bed earlier to get the sleep that I need!

Olivia is getting better with sharing her mama. It was rough at first... Any time I would leave the house, she would throw a big fit, at bedtime she would ask for me to stay with her, and one time a 10 month old wanted me to hold him and she ran up to me pulled my arms around her and said, "That's my mommy!" During this time she said things like, "I pull baby's head off?" "I squish the baby?" and other mean things... Needless to say, I bring the bouncy seat into the bathroom and lock the door when I shower! Little by little though, she is coming around. She loves him, and smothers him with kisses and hugs whenever he is in her reach. She's always asking me, when he's down for a nap, "Where's Jamesy boy?" Landon is a good big brother to him as well and loves to hold him and give him kisses.

That's where he's at, can't believe a month has passed since he's joined our family, but we're enjoying every minute with him!

Samuel's 6th Birthday

We had a nice weekend remembering our sweet Samuel. Landon and I made cupcakes on Saturday. Landon picked out confetti cake mix and frosting with sprinkles. He loved helping make these and "helping" me by licking the beater clean :)

My sweet friend gave me a gift at church that morning and Landon asked if we could open it. I told him we would wait until we went to visit Samuel. Then, Landon said, "Are we going to heaven??" I said, "No, we're just going to where Samuel's body is buried." These things are so hard for a four year old to understand. It was heartbreaking to see how excited he was to meet his brother. One day...

When we opened the present, this is what we found... Little figurines of our whole family! It is so sweet to see what our family really looks like. From the left: Olivia wearing a tutu (she was thrilled with this!), Samuel holding 6 balloons, Daddy, Mommy wearing my Samuel necklace, Landon because blue's his favorite color, and James because the James on Thomas is red ;) Landon and Olivia kept insisting that James lay down since he can't walk yet :)

Then, we went to Steak N' Shake, our family tradition.  It was a sweet time.

After supper, we came home and sang happy birthday to Samuel and had cupcakes.

There's a helium shortage, so we weren't able to let balloons off on Samuel's birthday, but we did the next day. It was so windy....

 ...and I'm sad to say that the balloons got stuck in our neighbor's tree. This really upset me at first and I couldn't pin point why. I guess I just wanted everything to go perfectly for his birthday. When I thought about this later, I realized that life doesn't go perfectly with our other kiddos, and he is just as much our kid as they are, it's not practical to expect things to be perfect and that's ok.

The pregnancy loss support group I help out with had a balloon release the night after his birthday as well, so I got to send a balloon up then too.

We miss our sweet firstborn so much and celebrate his being in heaven the only way we know how. Can't wait to join him one day on those streets of gold, but until that day, His mercies are new every morning - great is His faithfulness.

Six Years

It's hard to believe that Samuel would be six tomorrow... I was laying here trying to picture what he would be like, how our family dynamic would be different if he were here. Would he have a strong personality like Landon, or would he have been more calm and have been taught Landon how to share and be kind? How would Landon, Olivia, and James be different if he were here? Would he have been into sports or legos? What it all boils down to is, I just want to know him. As his mother, I want to know everything about him. And yet, it is all just blank. I try to picture him as a six year old... I so want to know if he would have had brown hair and brown eyes like his daddy or would he have had blue eyes like his siblings and I? So many things... but it is all blank.

I realize he wasn't meant to be six here on earth. The Lord knew when he would be born, and knew he would leave this earth just one minute later. The Lord fashioned him and perfectly formed his beautiful face, each finger and toe. It is not blank to Him. He had a purpose for our little guy. Our little Samuel was created to worship the Lord.

I cannot help but cry every time I read the story of Hannah in the Bible. How she wanted a child, so much that if the Lord granted her request, she was willing to give him back to the Lord. It's one thing to say that you would give your child to the Lord and another thing to do it. Hannah did not go back on her word, but as hard as it was, she made the journey to the temple and gave her Samuel to serve the Lord. "'I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.' And he worshiped the Lord there." (1 Samuel 1:27,28)

I remember the Lord reminding me of Hannah as I lay in the hospital bed the night before my c-section. I knew that our baby boy belonged to the Lord and whatever happened he was not mine, he was the Lord's. I remember wrestling in prayer with the Lord, begging Him to let our boy live. I remember my loving Lord giving me peace that He was in control and I committed our sweet Samuel to Him.

How tiny, how precious our boy's delicate body. It was so precious to feel his heartbeat, and yet heart wrenching since no breath ever came. Still the Lord was in control.

I was thankful for a sweet friend who shared this poem from a blog recently. The challenge that went with it was to change our prayers for our children. Not to pray for safety and protection, but that our children would have a passion for the Lord. Period. No matter what path gets them there. I would not have chosen this path, but I am thankful for how the Lord has used our sweet Samuel's life in so many ways and that right at this very minute he is with our Lord and worshiping Him there.

Had I been Joseph's mother 
I'd have prayed 
protection from his brothers 
"God, keep him safe. 
He is so young, 
so different from 
the others." 
Mercifully, 
she never knew 
there would be slavery 
and prison, too. 

Had I been Moses' mother 
I'd have wept to keep my little son: 
praying she might forget 
the babe drawn from the water 
of the Nile. 
Had I not kept 
him for her 
nursing him the while, 
was he not mine? 
--and she 
but Pharaoh's daughter? 

Had I been Daniel's mother 
I should have pled 
"Give victory! 
--this Babylonian horde 
godless and cruel-- 
Don't let him be a captive 
--better dead, 
Almighty Lord!" 

Had I been Mary, 
Oh, had I been she, 
I would have cried 
as never a mother cried, 
"Anything, O God, 
Anything 
--but 
crucified." 

With such prayers importunate 
my finite wisdom would assail 
Infinite Wisdom 
God, how fortunate 
Infinite Wisdom 
should prevail.

From newborn to baby...

I knew this would happen, but had forgotten just how quickly it would... that one day this little one would go to bed a newborn and wake up a baby. Well, that happened yesterday. I looked at him and realized that he's much more alert, his wrinkly skin is smoothing out, and he was even concentrating and attempted a couple smiles! Every stage is so sweet and flies by, now more than ever with my attention being divided three ways. Here's a movie of him sleeping at two weeks old... yes, I he really is sleeping despite his eyes being opened!

Last night, James went to his first TU game!

And here he is today at three weeks old, his face is always so grumpy!

Here he is with his crazy big sister who always wants to be around him

...and with big brother who loves him so much

He still looks a little bit like a newborn when he's sleeping, but the newborn look is very quickly fading...

I am so thankful for the past three weeks with this sweet boy.

The weeks, months and years seem to be flying by faster as life moves forward and I am reminded of the brevity of life and have been asking the Lord to help me to redeem the time. 

Here are ways the Bible describes our life: 

Like water spilt on the ground

Like a shadow, it will not stay 

Like a swift messenger, a swift ship, or a swooping eagle

Like a mist or vapor from a pot

 Like grass, leaving no memory 

Few days, like a flower 

Like a wind

Like a sigh

Psalm 90:12

"So teach us to number our days, That we may gain a heart of wisdom."

James David

We are so thankful for our precious new bundle of joy! I thought I'd a little bit about how he made his appearance into this world. 

I had been having some harder contractions that started Sunday evening. There was never anything regular with them, but I knew they were the kind of contractions that were doing something! I was scheduled to be induced at 6:00AM on Wednesday morning September 19th so this gave me hope that maybe I would go on my own before the induction. My parents came down Tuesday evening around 8:00pm. I was so thankful and relieved to have them here.

 We all went to bed around 11:00, but I started to notice that these hard contractions that I had been having were getting a bit more intense. Around midnight I started timing them. They were about 10 minutes apart, so I figured I would try to get some sleep... Well, these contractions did not allow for that! I woke Seth up around 1:00 and told him even though the contractions were still about 7 minutes apart I really thought we needed to start getting ready to go to the hospital. By the time we left the house they were 3-5 minutes apart. At this point I decided I wanted an epidural... NOW! :)

We got to the hospital around 2:00AM. They checked me and I was already 6cm dilated. The worst part was trying to sign paper work and get the IVs in between contractions. At this point it was just one contraction after another. I was begging for an epidural and they just seemed to be taking their sweet time (I see now that I was a bit irrational then...). She told me that I had to have a whole bag of the IV solution in me before they could give me an epidural. Well, the bag of fluid was full so I said, "there's no way that bag of fluid is getting into me before this baby is born!" I was so glad when she decided they could go ahead and do one after all.

At 3:30 I got my epidural and my doctor came to check me. She said I was complete and ready to push! The epidural had slowed down my contractions though, so they had to give me a little pitocin to get things going again. 

At 4:03AM  our little James David was born. It was so exciting to hear our doctor say, "it's a boy!" We were so surprised! He was 8lb 3oz and 21.25" long. I love his wrinkly skin and old man face :) He always looks so grumpy!

Our first look at the little guy. We feel so blessed and so grateful that everything went so well and he is finally in our arms!

Our new family! Landon was very excited it was a boy and I think Olivia is too. She is having a bit of a tough time adjusting to sharing her mommy, but all in all she is doing pretty well. Landon can't wait to teach James all the things that big brothers do :)