Six Years

It's hard to believe that Samuel would be six tomorrow... I was laying here trying to picture what he would be like, how our family dynamic would be different if he were here. Would he have a strong personality like Landon, or would he have been more calm and have been taught Landon how to share and be kind? How would Landon, Olivia, and James be different if he were here? Would he have been into sports or legos? What it all boils down to is, I just want to know him. As his mother, I want to know everything about him. And yet, it is all just blank. I try to picture him as a six year old... I so want to know if he would have had brown hair and brown eyes like his daddy or would he have had blue eyes like his siblings and I? So many things... but it is all blank.

I realize he wasn't meant to be six here on earth. The Lord knew when he would be born, and knew he would leave this earth just one minute later. The Lord fashioned him and perfectly formed his beautiful face, each finger and toe. It is not blank to Him. He had a purpose for our little guy. Our little Samuel was created to worship the Lord.

I cannot help but cry every time I read the story of Hannah in the Bible. How she wanted a child, so much that if the Lord granted her request, she was willing to give him back to the Lord. It's one thing to say that you would give your child to the Lord and another thing to do it. Hannah did not go back on her word, but as hard as it was, she made the journey to the temple and gave her Samuel to serve the Lord. "'I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.' And he worshiped the Lord there." (1 Samuel 1:27,28)

I remember the Lord reminding me of Hannah as I lay in the hospital bed the night before my c-section. I knew that our baby boy belonged to the Lord and whatever happened he was not mine, he was the Lord's. I remember wrestling in prayer with the Lord, begging Him to let our boy live. I remember my loving Lord giving me peace that He was in control and I committed our sweet Samuel to Him.

How tiny, how precious our boy's delicate body. It was so precious to feel his heartbeat, and yet heart wrenching since no breath ever came. Still the Lord was in control.

I was thankful for a sweet friend who shared this poem from a blog recently. The challenge that went with it was to change our prayers for our children. Not to pray for safety and protection, but that our children would have a passion for the Lord. Period. No matter what path gets them there. I would not have chosen this path, but I am thankful for how the Lord has used our sweet Samuel's life in so many ways and that right at this very minute he is with our Lord and worshiping Him there.

Had I been Joseph's mother 
I'd have prayed 
protection from his brothers 
"God, keep him safe. 
He is so young, 
so different from 
the others." 
Mercifully, 
she never knew 
there would be slavery 
and prison, too. 

Had I been Moses' mother 
I'd have wept to keep my little son: 
praying she might forget 
the babe drawn from the water 
of the Nile. 
Had I not kept 
him for her 
nursing him the while, 
was he not mine? 
--and she 
but Pharaoh's daughter? 

Had I been Daniel's mother 
I should have pled 
"Give victory! 
--this Babylonian horde 
godless and cruel-- 
Don't let him be a captive 
--better dead, 
Almighty Lord!" 

Had I been Mary, 
Oh, had I been she, 
I would have cried 
as never a mother cried, 
"Anything, O God, 
Anything 
--but 
crucified." 

With such prayers importunate 
my finite wisdom would assail 
Infinite Wisdom 
God, how fortunate 
Infinite Wisdom 
should prevail.