Mother's Day

I think Mother's Day will always be one of conflicted emotions for me. I celebrate both of my mothers. I am thankful that Seth and I both have such amazing mothers that have poured their love into us and sacrificed so much in the process of raising us, who continue to pour their love into us (I pray I can be a mother like this!). I celebrate the fact that I have two amazing children that bring me so much joy and fill me with a love that I can't explain.

...but no matter how much I celebrate these undeserved blessings, I also grieve. I grieve the one who first made me a mother, our little Samuel. How I wish he could be here to give me a card with his attempt at writing, "mom" with a little four year old's handwriting. How I wish I could hear his voice tell me, "I love you, mommy!" and oh how I wish I could feel his arms around me - the tight squeeze I know he would give me. How I wish he were here.

It's hard being a mother to a baby in heaven. It's hard to find a way to celebrate the fact that I am a mother to a baby that I only got to hold for a few hours. I wanted to be with ALL of my children on Mother's Day. So we did the closest thing we could, we visited the cemetery. We did this last year, and I think this is something I want to do every year on this day. We stood there staring at the sweet tomb stone, starting to fade on the edges, a reminder of the time that has passed without our little boy. Then, I once again noticed the engraving of Jesus holding a baby. A reminder I need every time I am here - he is with Jesus...

There were four other families there, in the "Angel Garden" while we were there. Some with children and some without. I grieved for each one. I grieved for the ones who weren't recognized as mothers on this day - who came here to be reminded of the fact that they are. I grieved for the ones who had children with them trying to maintain the memory of the short life lost and hoping that their children would not forget the brother or sister that was gone. I grieved for the ones that I know personally that were missing the children that they have lost.

Yes, Mother's Day will always be one of conflicted emotions, until the day that I see my Savior face to face. My Savior, who promises to wipe away every tear and who will lead me to the place of everlasting peace. The place where my Samuel lives. The place where there will be no more pain.