Yesterday marked the point in this pregnancy of how far along I was when we lost our little Samuel. It is bitter sweet to be beyond that point once again. This pregnancy has been so different. I started feeling movement during my 15th week this time with big kicks now and Seth has been able to feel the baby move quite often as well. At this point with Samuel I was just feeling those little fluttery movements. Seth was saying last night that he was never able to feel little Samuel move. I'm not sure if it was because he was our first or because I was so swollen or a combination of both. I can't help but feel a bit of relief and a bit of sadness as I experience what I wasn't able to with our little Samuel.
I had thought the questions of, "Is this your first?" or "Do you have other children?" would be easier this time around, but they are still hard questions to answer and I think they will always be. If I say that I have just one other child, I feel like I'm not validating Samuel's life, but sometimes it's just easier to say that rather than explaining everything. Often I will say I have one in heaven and one here with me. I just have that need as his mother to always include him in our family.
I am looking forward to heaven when we won't have any more pain or sadness.
I was so encouraged by these verses yesterday:
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
4 comments:
I always think of you as a Mommy of 2 (now 3). :) Love you!
Praying for you. I'm sure pregnancy will always be a little different for you.
I like that verse. I've been thinking a similar thought of even though I don't see a physical blessing I have a spiritual blessing. Trying to continually remind myself of the eternal goodness.
Love you.
Your sweet spirit and strength in the Lord are such an encouragement! Your children are blessed to have such a loving mommy. Praying for you and your newest little one.
-wendy b.
I know what you mean about the number of kids. After awhile, we decided it was just easier to say how many we had with us here. Obviously if the conversation went deeper, then the story unfolds. I know what you mean about validating. As moms, we will never forget the time we had with that special baby inside of us, and they were and always will be a part of us. I know one of Jeremy's relatives had a miscarriage, and two other children, and they always said they had three kids. So I think it is what you as a couple are most comfortable with. And it definitely takes time to figure out, and situations may be different. Just know that Samuel is not forgotten! From reading all the comments from your relatives and friends, and I know I will never forget your story.
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